New Beginnings!

Exactly 2 years ago, I boarded a plane to Sydney, Australia for a semester abroad and the rest is history.

Two days ago, I boarded the SAME plane to Sydney, Australia and viola, I’m back again!

Coming to Sydney this time around was definitely 100 times scarier. Everyone’s been like: “Well you’ve been there before! It’ll be fine! It’ll be easier!” NEGATIVE. Coming to Sydney the first time around, I was in school, I lived in a house with 30 people, and I lived in the comfort in knowing that unless I was a complete knob, I’d make friends with at least 1 of those 30 people. In all honesty, study abroad at times felt like summer camp or a long 5-month vacation. On the other hand, this time around…I’m on my own! No friends, no school, no job, no permanent housing, basically no semblance of a plan in place and I have mere weeks to figure everything out for myself. But that’s life, right?

On the plane here, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering whether coming to Sydney was the right thing. I want to grow up, I want to mature, I want to travel, I want to make new friends, but did I have to come ALL the way to Sydney, Australia to do that? Weeks ago I was so gung-ho about coming, but on the plane I found myself questioning…wtf did I get myself into?!

For the time being, I’m staying with some friends of the family in North Sydney. When the taxi driver dropped me off, I told him I had to go through the side gate opposed to the front door because no one was home yet, and he gave me the illest side glare as if I’d come to rob the place. Anyways, I moved in to my little flat (it’s the family’s pool/guest house) and the loneliness REALLY sunk in and the reality that I’m actually here. I’m alone, no friends, no family, no comfort zone to fall back on…I have to fend for myself and get used to it because it’s just me against the world from now on.

I immediately hooked myself up to wifi and iMessaged by sister…she always has the words of wisdom…and she assured me:

“Well u are definitely doing the right thing. Of course it’s gonna be nervous and scary at first, but everything will workout for the best. You have no idea what God has in store for u.”

This is certainly going to be a trying experience! Part of me came to Australia because I wanted to and because I could and because “if not now, when?” But part of me is here because I need to grow up away from my family, away from a job, away from anything familiar, and get used to just being with myself and relying on myself. This blog will probably be therapy for me and my best friend (considering I don’t have any others right now haha) and I’ll continue to keep yal up to speed on my life in Sydney.

On the agenda for this week…

- Find a permanent place to stay

- Find a job! Any job!

- Beat up this bitch named Jet Lag (I fell asleep at 9pm yesterday and was wide awake at 3am)

Concerns of a Black Chick Moving to Australia

Moving abroad is a daunting feat. Moving abroad and wondering, “shit, what the hell am I going to do with my hair?” might not quite resonate with some of you.

Here are the facts: Australia is stark white. 92% of the population is Caucasian. My black ass is sure to stick out like a sore thumb! Now now, I’m quite used to being in situations where I’m one of few black people….I was one of 3 black people in my fourth grade graduating class….I was the only black person in my house of 30 students when I studied abroad in Sydney….and I’ve lived in a town called Springfield my entire life for goodness sakes.

This also isn’t my first time to Australia. When I returned from Sydney after my study abroad experience, one of the first questions many friends and family asked was some variation of, “Do they like Black people?” And I was happy and lucky to declare, I had a grand time in Sydney, free of racism and ignorance (at least to my face)! I say lucky because prior to Australia I heard a few horror stories here and there from black travelers. Plus, there’s no denying the cruel history of the treatment of Aboriginal people in Australia (Learn something: Read about "The Stolen Generations" or Watch the film Rabbit Proof Fence).

Now, America is a very unique place. Being the “melting pot” that it is, America has a level of diversity quite unseen in most countries in the world. Just take a look at the island of Manhattan

for example. On one tiny landmass, you have the Blacks in Harlem, the Chinese down in Chinatown, the Jews of Lower East Side, and the lily whites of the Upper East Side; within a 100-block span, you’ve basically traveled around the world. Furthermore, being black in NJ is no big deal…numbers wise. Although blacks are a minority in America, in the Northeast (I can’t speak for everywhere in America) there are enough of us here not to stand out. However, being black ABROAD, and I’m speaking particularly about countries where black people are far and few, I’m sure to be confronted with my race more so than I am here.

Living in Sydney for a year, I suspect is going to be a vastly different experience from being there for a 5-month vacation, which is essentially what study abroad was. Although my experience the first time around was 100% positive, I still do have just a few concerns…

1. Hair

Black hair care. Oh the plight of black women! If you’re a white male, feel free to skip along to number 2 cuz I’m sure you’ll be lost reading this. If you’re a sista, let’s talk! Do I get a weave? Do I get braids? Do I go natural? Do I get a perm? The possibilities are endless and the heartache is distressing. Taking care of my hair really is one of the banes of my existence. In budgeting out my trip to Australia, you best believe “hair care” was a financial concern written right along with “book a flight” and “find housing.”

When I first went to Sydney, I moved in to my house, set up my room, and as soon as I got on to the Internet, one of the first things I did was Google “black hair salons in Sydney.” True story. Seeing as there are black people everywhere you go, I found a place 30 minutes from where I lived and homegirl hooked me up! But this time around, spending a YEAR abroad during a time when I JUST started a whole new hair regimen and in a country where a beauty supply store or a Dominican doobie salon isn’t readily at my disposal, all I can say is #STRESSSSSSSS!

2. Being stared at

If you’re traveling while black, you’re gonna get stared at! The simple fact of the matter is, in a lot of countries, people just aren’t used to seeing black people! Sure, they encounter black people on TV, but a real live-in the flesh black person?! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and they’re trying to capture it all by staring at you!

Being stared at while traveling can range from

flattery to annoyance. Constantly feeling eyes on you when all you want to do is pick your nose or eat a slice of pizza in peace kinda makes me realize what celebrities go through on a daily basis. When I traveled to China, my sister and I were constantly taking pictures with random people and people were constantly giving us double-takes when walking down the street. The funniest story…at a museum in Beijing, my mom sat down to rest her feet and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman in the corner sneakily snapping a picture of my mom. The level of attention we got in China was pretty entertaining. On the other hand, while riding the train alone in Athens, Greece this past summer, this old man literally stared at me for the ENTIRE train ride. Creepy and annoying.

In Sydney, I don’t remember the stares being all that uncomfortable. Noticeable? Definitely! It was mostly young kids or old people who’d look at me a little too long. Or sometimes guys while out clubbing or bar hopping, which I can’t say was always a bad thing ; )

3. Encounters with racism or ignorance

It’s never fun being the sole representative for your race. If you’re black and grew up in the white suburbs, I’m sure you can relate with me that Black History Month meant a month of awkwardness and your classmates looking over at you whenever the word “slavery” was uttered. Basically, the YouTube Video "Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls" was the story of my upbringing.

Being black and traveling abroad, you almost want to be on your best behavior for fear of fulfilling some ignorant stereotype of black people shown on TV or in movies. And while I’ve never encountered outright racism while abroad, there’s definitely been some outlandish ignorance. For instance, on the tiny island of Paros, Greece this past summer, I was talking with this guy who was so shocked my name was Natasha. He thought, and I quote, “you’d be named Shaniqua or something.” And then he asked me if there were a lot of “gangsters” where I’m from. *side eye* While harmless, I soon found myself dropping some serious knowledge on this boy on my vacation when all I wanted to do was enjoy myself.

Like I said before, Australia has a pretty nasty history of the government’s treatment of Aboriginal people. Knowing this before going to study abroad in Sydney, I naturally did wonder if I’d ever encounter racism or ignorance while abroad. I ended up having a completely positive experience while studying abroad in Sydney and the Australians I did have conversations with, I found them to be pretty receptive to African-Americans. But while in Sydney, I know if someone is ever a jerk to me, it’s natural for the first thing to think—its because I’m black. In my 22 years on this Earth, I can count the number of racist encounters I’ve endured on one hand. Let’s hope it stays that way!

4. Missing Black culture and Black people

I am going to miss my favorite morning radio show—The Breakfast Club with DJ Envy, Angela Yee, and Charlamagne.

I’m going to miss Jamaican food. I’m going to miss hearing hip-hop and dancehall in the clubs. I’m going to miss commiserating with someone over the struggles of my hair. I’m going to miss talking shit about white people.

Why is that guy wearing flip-flops in the rain?

SMH. White people.

Where is that girl’s jacket? It's cold as hell outside!

SMH. White people.

Moving to Sydney for a year means I’m gonna miss out on some good ol’ black on black bonding. Yes there are black people in Australia…around 250,000 African immigrants, which is far and few compared to the general population, so I’m not banking on making a whole new group of black friends in Australia. The good thing—never once when I was in Sydney did I NOT feel like myself or was made to feel like the odd girl out because I was the only black girl around. But I will admit, there were definitely moments where a fellow darkie might have been nice.

So I'm Moving to Australia!

So it’s been a while since I’ve blogged…4 months to be exact. But I’m back! Because I finally have something worthwhile to write about…SURPRISE! I’M MOVING TO AUSTRALIA! This is something I’ve been thinking about, torturing myself about, secretly killing myself over for quite some time, but I’ve finally officially booked a ticket, I got a year long working-holiday visa, and it’s all really happening!

So why am I moving to Australia?? I can spend hours answering this question and will probably address this very question in several more blog posts to come. But for now, below you’ll find a stream of random ramblings I wrote one random night a couple random months ago, when I was extra-specially confused about the state of my life. I sounded like a crazy person, but I think somewhere in there I put together a feasible explanation for why going the conventional graduate college-get a serious job route just isn’t for me….at least not for now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Why does my fancy shmancy Ivy League degree feel like a burden? (Side note: I definitely need to make sure my Dad never reads that very sentence). I’m trying to find a job, but I’m so confused about what I want to do. I have a slight loss of passion and ambition because more than anything right now I want to travel! The travel bug is here again but I’m supposed to get a job! I sound like a selfish little brat…people would kill to go to college, be able to afford it, have the experiences I have had, but there are more life experiences to be had outside of going to college and then getting a straight 9-5.

Am I crazy that I want to work as a waitress? Seriously though, I’ve always wanted to try it at least once. The other day I found myself on a website about getting a job on a cruise ship, then I thought “what on Earth would my Dad think if he saw me right now?” I have all these selfish-hippie-live life- be young and dumb-free-spirited desires, but I’m afraid to pursue them because it’s not what I’m SUPPOSED to do. When u graduate from a school like Penn, anything less than a corporate job or run of the mill entry level position in your given field is blasphemous! Only the best is expected of you and ASAP.

I slaved at unpaid internships for three summers and now I’m expected to do the next step and get a job in communications for the mere sake of fulfilling my bachelors degree and everyone’s expectations and ensuring everyone not to worry, that my $50,000/year education didn’t go to shit. After graduating, some of my friends hadn’t found jobs yet and were panicking. I was panicking thinking about all the traveling I wanted to do and how I probably wouldn’t be able to do it had I signed up immediately for a job.

Old people always says: “Do what makes you happy.” But I don’t think any of them actually believe it when they say it. What people really need to say is: “Do what makes you happy, but don’t go too crazy!” I been trying to keep the “do what makes u happy thing” at the forefront of my mind, but between college grad expectations, watching my friends move on to the real world job market, a travel bug crawling up my leg, and trying to please my parents, I’m all jacked up in the head!

All I know…what I want to do right now is live boldly, live fearlessly, take risks, and shock not just the people around me, but surprise my damn self. At the end of the day, this is my life and I have to be happy with it. It’s moments like sitting on the cliffs in Coogee Beach, Sydney or riding on the back of a scooter through the streets of Barcelona that made me feel most alive and that’s all I really want right now. A 9-5 entry-level desk job ain’t going anywhere! Whether I take the job now or 5 years from now, either way, those types of jobs will always be around. Traveling while I’m young with nothing to lose…no serious job, boyfriend, apartment lease, car note, or kids…this opportunity won’t always be here.

“Life won’t always be just about you.”

Man Purses, Boobs, Cigarettes, Oh My!

So it's been quite a while since I last blogged : ( Why? Well, watching TV, working out, and playing with my dog wasn't providing much inspiration.

However! Good news! I am recently back from a whirlwind 2-WEEK EUROPEAN ADVENTURE and I have TONS to tell! I spent 3 days in Madrid, 3 days in Barcelona, 7 days on the island of Paros, Greece, and 1 day in Athens. Unfortunately I am now back in the USofA, fighting jet lag (and losing miserably) and constantly reminiscing about my eventful and action-packed 14 days pretending to be a backpacker.

Living in hostels for 6 days while in Spain, my BFF and I came across people from all parts of Europe and the world and all walks of life. I met my first person from Slovenia, I chatted with an Australian working for Emirates Airlines who had stories for days, I befriended a French-British couple who hitchhiked their way from Southern France to Greece, and I randomly met far too many people from Germany.

While the sightseeing, eating, partying, and drinking were all fine and dandy, the ultimate highlight of the trip...as dorky as this sounds...was observing the cultural differences between Americans and Europeans. There are things Euros do that Americans just aren't up to speed on, and vice versa! In true "Graduated and Confused" fashion, let me count the ways...

1. SMOKING-- Everybody and their momma smokes in Europe. Seriously, in Greece I once sat a table where mother, father, and daughter were all lighting up. For 2 weeks, I observed as people were ALWAYS leaving a conversation to go outside and smoke, someone was ALWAYS rolling a cigarette, smoke was ALWAYS being blown in my face. I once asked a French guy simply "Why do Europeans smoke so much?" and he replied that they like to rebel and do things they're not supposed to do. Well, I'm always down for breaking the rules and being a bad ass, but at the expense of my lungs? I'll pass, thanks.

2. GETTING NEKED-- In a club in Greece, I watched as 2 seemingly normal girls came in fully-clothed and within the hour, they were on top of the bar down to their skivvies...and I'm pretty sure they weren't on the payroll, this was all for kicks and giggles. Furthermore, the women of Europe love showing their boobs! In 2-weeks, I'd seen more boobs of all shapes, sizes, and lengths than I personally would have liked to. But you know what, kudos to them for being comfortable enough with their bodies to flaunt what their momma gave them (and deal with the prospect of creepy men gawking at them)! Oh and don't even get me started on the men and their Speedos...

3. SPEAK MULTIPLE LANGUAGES-- My biggest jealousy of Europeans is the fact that every European speaks AT LEAST 2-3 languages. And when you commend them on how good their English is, the common answer was always "No, no, no, it's terrible!" in which my reply was always "Well your English is 10 times better than my French/Spanish/Italian/German/etc. **I have an entire blog post dedicated to this subject coming very soon**

4. MAN PURSES-- We've all grown accustomed to seeing men carry messenger bags, briefcases, and backpacks. But in America, if a man walks into a bar carrying a small, leather carryall, aka man purse or "murse", akin to my handbag, he would be mocked, pointblank period. In Europe, it's definitely not the same case. Now, not every European man is walking around with a man purse, but I did notice it far more than I have in America. It wasn't offputting to see or disturbing, as some ignorant manly American men might think. In fact, I found it very nice to see and practical, as I always thought guys need something to carry their shit around in too!

5. TRAVEL FIRST, SCHOOL LATER-- As I think I've discussed in previous posts, gap years are definitely a European thing. Heck, my summer off post-college graduation and little 2-week Euro trip is perplexing to alot of people, but in Europe it's quite accepted and almost expected to take time off before/after university. I kept meeting guys and girls my same age who were just in their first and second years of university. What had they been doing in the time between high school and now? Seeing the world of course! From traveling around Australia to working in London to taking a spiritual journey to Thailand and Bali, these people sure know how to put off the real world. Snaps to them!

6. KNOWLEDGE OF AMERICAN POLITICS-- You never fully realize just how much American culture is disseminated around the world, until you find yourself having a conversation about American race relations with a guy from France. True story! Talking music and movies is one thing, but having an in-depth convo with a German about the American economy and financial crisis and actually learning quite a bit from the conversation is (not only embarrassing but) quite impressive. And the fact that these conversations were all held while slightly intoxicated makes it all the more remarkable.

7. PARTY LONGER & LATER-- In Philly, the city shuts down at 2am, so throughout college I grew accustomed to starting to pregame at 11, hittin the club or bar at 12, and having a solid 2 hours out. Given that, I was not at all prepared for the hours upon hours of drinking and dancing I was to endure in Europe. Since dinner is eaten at around 10pm in Spain and Greece, we didn't even start pregaming until around 12:30am. And it's not uncommon for the clubs to be empty until 2-3am. That being said, you're guaranteed a party until well after the sun comes up!

The Verdict? Europeans are cooler, more badass, and definitely know how to party. But don't let their leisurely, free-spirited nature fool you, because they sure know their shit when it comes to the world and their passports put us all to shame.

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind

DAY ELEVEN: Write about your sibling(s) or what it’s like to be an only child.

I already wrote about my older brother in another post (click here). So now I’ll write about my older sister. She and I are very close. She definitely knows more about me than anybody else in the world. While I hate talking on the phone, my sister is one person who’s phone call I don’t ignore. We’re different in a lot of ways (she’s Miss Glamazon Social Butterfly, I’m the quirky tomboy in the back corner), but the same in others (like me, she’s a good listener and a good friend). I admire her perseverance and unrelenting passion for medicine. I sometimes envy her confidence, handwriting, and proactiveness (she’s socially fearless, I’m socially awkward). I’m always openly receptive and easily convinced by her advice because she’s usually right about me and knows what decision I should make. She’s also easy to pick on and bother because she’s a mere munchkin who seems to get smaller every time I see her : ) Basically, I love my little big sis!

*****************************************

I’m clearly obsessed with lists and countdowns and bullet points in general. So I knew I hit the jackpot when I came across the...

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind !

I understand if you don’t want to read my responses, but at least go through the questions and answer them for yourself. There are no right or wrong answers…they’re just meant to challenge you to think deeply about yourself. It’s also a good way to procrastinate at work : )

(Click here for the link to the questions)

*****************************************

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

17.5—at the edge of adulthood, but still unwilling to give up being a child.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Never trying. Regret is MUCH WORSE than failure.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

All comes back to fear…fear of trying, fear of failure, fear of what other people may think about you if you try something outside the box.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Absolutely. I’m trying desperately to live in the moment and do what I want to do when I want to do it, but societal conventions and all those negative thoughts always get in the way. Peep my profile tagline—“ I’m trying to be a free spirit but life keeps getting in the way.” Hopefully I can live a life I’m proud of, ie: do everyone on my bucket list before I croak.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

GREED! There’s more than enough money and food in this world for people not to starve or go without.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Going on family vacations. It combines the two things I love the most in my life—traveling and my family.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Currently I’m not doing much of anything! If I settle, I’ll probably see you in NY/LA by the end of the summer; if I do what I believe in, I’ll probably be elsewhere doing something completely random.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

Great questions! Well I’d be a little over halfway through my life. I’d hope to be married with at least 1 kid by now. I wouldn’t have gone to college and probably would have dropped out of high school early. I’d live like a gypsy and travel all over the world with my family living in exotic places and doing random shit to make money and survive.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I believe I’ve had 100% control and I’m sure every decision I’ve made has been my own. Except being forced to do track and field for 3 years—that was my mom’s doing.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing the right things. I’m sure I’ll make plenty of mistakes in my life so “doing things right” is not a concern.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Because the criticism is distasteful and, especially, unjustified, I’d defend my friend. I’ve defended people before who weren’t even close friends just because people were saying things that had no merit and were mean-spirited. I’m a good friend to have : )

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Don’t follow the rules.

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Absolutely…unless it was going to get me 30 years to life.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

At the Magic Gardens in Philadelphia—it’s this crazy mural wonderland created by this insane artist/genius.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

I wear my socks inside out (been doing it since elementary school).

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

My family makes me happy. Some people unfortunately come from sucky families I guess.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

Vacation alone. I’m nervous about traveling alone and making friends.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

My childhood obviously. I desperately need to grow up.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Sydney, Australia obviously (read this). Plus, there’s a lot of stuff about our government and the American way of living that I disagree with. I’m sure Australia too has its pitfalls but they also get 4 weeks paid vacation and that awesome accent to make up for it ; )

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Yes, no

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful simpleton. Most geniuses are crazy and it’s no fun worrying all the time.

Why are you, you?

A combination of my parents upbringing + my own self-will + God’s mysterious plan for me.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

I think I’m the bestest friend anyone could ever have. I’m loyal, I’m a good listener (too good), I’m honest, I can make you laugh. I’m desperate to find a friend like me.

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

When a good friend moves away. My childhood best friend moved across the country and let me tell you, distance is a bitch when it comes to trying to stay in touch with someone. In regards to a good friend who lives right near you—if they’re a good person, then they’ll stay the same no matter what and you guys will pick things right back up where they started anytime you see them.

What are you most grateful for?

Great, sane parents.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? I’d rather lose all of my old memories. Life is about living in the now and making new memories. Dwelling on the past (whether it’s good or bad) prevents you from moving forward with life.

Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

No. Things (usually) aren’t always what they seem. It’s always good to challenge what you THINK make be the truth first before accepting it.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

I once dropped a $1,000 videocamera I borrowed from the Penn library off of my 4-foot-tall dresser and I broke a piece of it, although ALL day I was telling myself I have to be careful NOT TO BREAK THE CAMERA. Luckily, the camera still worked and didn’t break completely, but after crying and hyperventilating, it hit me that my greatest fear had ALMOST come true.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

I was 16, nope.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

Swimming and battling the waves at Big Beach in Maui. Definitely one of the most fun days in my life and my entire family was there : )

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Everyday I was in Sydney.

If not now, then when?

I was going to say “there’s always tomorrow” but actually there isn’t. So I guess NOW is the only option.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

I have NOTHING to lose. I’m not married, don’t have kids, I’m living selfishly for me and me only. If only I could get over myself…

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

Umm…nope.

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Because people are so closed-minded and refuse to simply accept that there are other religions with other beliefs that are validated by other religious texts AND at the end of the day YOUR religion could actually be a load of made up horseshit just as you believe the next guy’s religion is.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Yes, anything that comes from love is good…from hate, evil.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Nope, a million dollars is a lot, but not THAT much. I’d take a LONG vacation though.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Less work. I work to live not live to work.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Of course. Watching TV and surfing the Internet is my standard everyday life.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

It’s been a while…

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I’d keep my butt right at home with my family.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

I don’t crave fame and I already know I’m a babe ; )

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive—going through the motions of everyday life and doing the bare minimum to survive. Truly living—not giving a shit what people think about you or your decisions; just living for yourself and doing all that makes YOU happy.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

The time is obviously now.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Fear is a powerful, useless, and blinding emotion. It prevents you from seeing clearly and from seeing that “hey, it’s okay if I make this mistake, cuz I’ll learn from it in the long run.”

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Die my hair pink, get a couple tattoos, eat everything I want and probably become morbidly obese, work some cool jobs first before settling into working on a career.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Earlier when I was working out and huffing and puffing like an overweight asthmatic.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love to eat. Pigging out last night before starting the Master Cleanse openly expressed this love. However, going on the Master Cleanse is a clear contradiction.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

Nope, they were extremely unmemorable days.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Trying desperately to make them for myself.

I MISS THE BALL PIT!!!!!

DAY NINE: Photo of your favorite pillow. & DAY TEN: How you wake up in the morning.

So I don’t sleep on a pillow. I sleep with my head directly on the mattress…a weird habit that started in middle school I think. How I wake up in the morning? I use my iPhone as my alarm clock. Current song: Skins (UK) season 4 theme song. After snoozing a minimum of 3 times (extra 27 minutes of sleep), I finally decide to wake up. I grab my phone, check my email first, then Twitter, then Facebook, then Words with Friends. Finally, I sit up and stretch all the way down to my ankles and crack my back. Good morning!

*****************************************

I MISS THE BALL PIT!!! I don’t remember what I was watching on TV this past week that triggered this nostalgia, but once it hit me, memories of swimming through that pool of colorful plastic balls came rushing to my mind. I can see myself going down the slide at the Discovery Zone and landing in the sea of balls, standing on the pit’s ledge and diving in as if I were at the public pool, having ball fights with my friends, dunking under the swarm of balls and hiding before popping up to give someone a scare…ahh so many childhood memories!!

To be quite honest, I was never one to want to grow up. You know how some girls go through a whole makeup phase in middle school, trying to look grown? Yeah, I never went through that. Didn’t even buy eyeliner until my freshman year in college. In high school, while everyone had boy drama and went out on dates, I was happily at the movies with my parents. Oh, and I still watch The Disney Channel and more often take baths than showers.

Basically, I’ve savored every drop of my childhood. And being the youngest of three in my family, I sometimes still get treated like a kid. But while some might complain and demand of their parents, “treat me like an adult!” I definitely do not mind at all! Why? Because growing up sucks, that’s why! I haven’t even hit the real world yet of bills and waking up early and mean bosses and I’m already missing my childhood.

This is the first time in my life where there isn’t a predetermined plan for me. I have to figure out my next step on my own and venture off into the world without anyone holding my hand and it’s scary and confusing and stressful and all I want is my Mommy! I miss the freedom that childhood offered! Even though as a child, you technically have no freedom, as your life is completely run by your parents, I envy the freedom from stress and worry and the freedom of simplicity that kids are privileged to have.

Remember the “want-to-play-shark?” kids I saw in the pool at The Bahamas? In a snap, they became friends and, plain and simple, had fun together. Can you imagine if I went up to a girl in the pool and asked her if she wanted to play cards (or something a little more age-appropriate than “shark”)? After a weird look, she might agree to it, or she would probably use the whole “sorry, I’m here with my friends (and/or boyfriend) excuse” and swim back to them and tell them how some weirdo girl came up to her asking to play cards.

As we get older, we almost have to be extremely selective with our friends, as you quickly find out people are usually trifling, flaky, jealous, or just plain bitches. And forget about making friends with someone of the opposite sex…a whole other field of complications comes with that! I remember as a child having a bajillion friends, a new best friend every year, and going over someone’s house afterschool just about everyday. Yeah, well it took me about 2 years at Penn before I made a solid friend. And this past weekend, I was home…alone…all weekend.

I miss the days of just hopping on my bike and going for my ride around the neighborhood with my friends. I miss walking through the woods behind my house and coming home with ticks (ok, I don’t miss the ticks part). I miss making up dances with my friends afterschool. I miss playing intense games of House and Murder in the Dark (we were morbid kids) with my cousins during the summertime.

I miss having hobbies for goodness sakes! I used to read all the time! I was always reading a book before bed. Now that

book as been replaced by Netflix on my laptop. I used to do all kinds of arts and crafts projects—watercolor to lanyard to crocheting—and write fiction stories all the time. The saddest memory…I used to dance—a HUGE part of my life for like 10 years. Over the years, those hobbies have slowly dwindled away and yet today, I have the nerve to declare “I’m bored!”

As we get older, our bookshelves are filled with self-help books (I’m currently reading “The Laws of Thinking”) and we have to consciously remind ourselves…

"Carpe diem!"

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today"

But as much as we can try and "live like everyday is your last," before you know it, the pangs of adulthood creep back in and the people who indeed ARE savoring everyday as if they'll die in the morning are the ones looked as as reckless and irrational.

While I'm sad to say that my childhood is gone forever, I guess I just have to accept that it's an (unfortunate) part of life and it's time to grow up, shape up, and ship out.