The Current State of My Life

Like I’ve said a thousand times before, SYDNEY CHANGED MY LIFE. Shoutout to my older brother who prophesied that before I even went to Sydney when he said, and I quote: “Sydney will change your life!”

Pre-Sydney Natasha was a flaming loser. Yes, I had friends, I went out quite a bit on the weekends, my friends knew me as being fun and bubbly and warm, but I knew better and honestly, I was pretty miserable with the state of my life. I felt pretty invisible around Penn. I wasn’t really involved in any activities, my social network was basically limited to like 3 people, I never spoke up in class. I pretty much sat on the sidelines and watched (aka Facebook stalked) as other people went out in big groups with all their friends, were leaving a mark on campus, and seemed to be having this amazing college experience that I just wasn’t.

My freshman year at Penn, I was this shy and reserved and scared little girl. Here's an excerpt from my journal from freshman year to show just how much of a miserable loser I really was…

one- speak up in class more
two- stop ordering campus food all the time…eat in the dining hall alone if I have to
three- try to work out everyday
four- try to speak to more people
five- go to center city instead of parties every weekend
six- study in the library more often instead of alone in my room all the time
seven- become more active on campus-- like in clubs
eight- attend more on-campus events

The sad thing is, by junior year, I hadn't really made much progress...

urgggh junior year is about to start. sophomore year was a bust. i feel like i accomplished nothing. i went out and stuff but nevr with like a big group of people or anything.. i walked to class and back no talking or activities or anything n between. i just got lazy. didn't stick with my clubs, nothing. this semester has got to be different. i gotta strech my social circle, im a junior, im half way through college and i have like no friends. i need to do activities, meet new ppl on my own, try new things. i wanna start this year off on a good foot. maybe set goals for myself each day? i dunno, with australia in the spring, i have this one semester to set penn on a good foot. situate myself. meet ppl, dont be such a loner. like actually just put myself out there. its a damn shame that ive been so closed off this whole time especially last year and feel like i have nothign to show for myself. urgggh

I wasn’t lying people! I had issues!

Sydney gave me a little taste of freedom, it gave me a glimpse into what life is like when I STOP being a shy, pathetic loser and actually OPEN myself up to people and to new experiences.

Excerpt from my diary on one of my final days in Sydney:

i just keep thinking back to the first day i arrived a kurrawa. the house was quiet and empty, i was excited yet nervous. unpacked my stuff then slowly met everyone in the house...met all these ppl who became my family, i feel so completely comfortable around everyone, ive never acted myself or had such confidence around a group of people like this since high school, i havent had such a large family of friends since then, this has been the best semester of college period, im so greatful for this experience. i wish it didn't have to end. i just wanna go home for like 2 weeks, see everyone, eat everything, and just come back. i feel memorable here, like people will remember me and think of me as a friend all their life while i dont think ive made such an impression at penn. i really needed this experience in my life and im so greatful for it.

So, this is why I’m in my current dilemma—I feel like I JUST finally figured out the kind of person I’m capable of being and I’m just NOW getting used to being this person. I’m not ready to get trapped in some job and enter the real world…I want to continue living in the dream world I was in while in Sydney! How do I do that that + make money + convince my dad I’m not a hippie who doesn’t appreciate the million dollar education he just paid for? This is what I need to figure out!